Breaking Dawn ~ Stephanie Meyer

  • Title: Breaking Dawn
  • Author: Stephanie Meyer
  • Series:  Twilight #4
  • Genre: PNR, YA
  • Format: Kindle
  • Source: Overdrive digital library
  • Reviewed by: Valerie
  • Rating: 0.5 out of 5

Description:  WHEN YOU LOVED THE ONE WHO WAS KILLING YOU, IT LEFT YOU NO OPTIONS. How could you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your life was all you had to give, how could you not give it? If it was someone you truly loved?

To be irrevocably in love with a vampire is both fantasy and nightmare woven into a dangerously heightened reality for Bella Swan. Pulled in one direction by her intense passion for Edward Cullen, and in another by her profound connection to a werewolf Jacob Black, she has endured a tumultuous year of temptation, loss, and strife to reach the ultimate turning point. her imminent choice to either join the dark but seductive world of immortals or pursue a fully human life has become the thread from which the fate of two tribes hangs.

Now that Bella has made her decision, a startling chain of unprecedented events is about to unfold with potentially devastating and unfathomable consequences. Just when the frayed strands of Bella’s life – first discovered in Twilight, then scattered and torn in New Moon and Eclipse – seem ready to heal and knit together, could they be destroyed…forever?

The astonishing, breathlessly anticipated conclusion to the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn illuminates the secrets and mysteries of this spellbinding romantic epic that has entranced millions.

*This Review Definitely Contains Spoilers*

Review:  Wow. The only thing that could have saved this book would have been violent and bloody deaths for Bella and Edward at the hands of the Volturi. Ok, maybe not even that would have been enough, but I would have enjoyed it immensely.

Here is a brief synopsis of the book which I think serves as a pretty good indicator of the quality of the story:

Bella: Wah, wah, I don’t want a wedding ceremony. Where is Jacob? I miss Jacob.
Edward: Bella, my life revolves around you.
Jacob: What? You are going to have SEX with you husband. (Extreme over-reacting temper tantrum)

**Bella & Edward honeymoon**

Bella: Finally we get to have sex! It was awesome.
Edward: Oh, no. Even though we knew I had superhuman vampire strength, I cannot believe I left bruises and bit through the headboard. We can’t ever do that again. Bella, my life revolves around you, I must keep you safe.
Bella: Wah, wah. I want sex.
Edward: Ok.
Bella: (Puking) Oh crap, I think I’m pregnant. Wow, after only 2 tries – you are so virile, Edward.
Edward: Oh crap, you just blew through the first trimester in a couple of days. I must get you home to save you. My life revolves around you.

**Bella & Edward at home**

Jacob: We need to kill the vampires for turning Bella into a vamp!
Sam & pack: No, they are GOOD vampires.
Jacob: Oh crap, Bella is preggers!
Sam & pack: We must kill them all, especially Bella before she gives birth to the spawn!
Jacob: No, I was wrong. I didn’t mean it. We can’t kill Bella. They really ARE good vampires. Guess I’ll start my own pack and pathetically try to protect my lady love, who loves another.

Family Cullen: Oh crap! That spawn is going to kill Bella. It is sucking the life right out of her.
Rose: I hate Bella, but I want this baby and I will fight to the death to protect the baby.
Bella: I love this spawn that is sucking the life out of me.
Edward: Bella, my life revolves around you. I will sit here and mope until you die.
Jacob: Hey, did anyone think that thing may just need some blood.
Bella: (drinks blood) Yep, that did the trick. Please sir, may I have another?
Edward: You still smell like a dog. My life revolves around you Bella, oh wait, the baby loves you. My life revolves around both of you now.
Bella: I thought of a great name. You know how cool that Brangelina thing is? Let’s combine our mother’s names for the baby. That way she will have the dumbest name around. Crap, I wish it would stop breaking my bones with all its kicking.
Jacob: My new little pack will keep you safe.
Edward: Wow, Jacob, that is pretty cool, maybe you aren’t so bad.
Bella: (Screams) Baby is here.
Edward: My life revolves around you – time to quit resisting and change you to a vamp so you won’t die.
Jacob: Oh wait, I knew this would happen and protected you all, so that it could. But, I can’t believe you are turning the love of my life into the undead. I am going to kill that little spawn and as many of you as I can…..stop the press, who is that little hottie of a baby??? Bella who? I just met my soul mate.

**Meanwhile . . .

Bella: This vamp conversion thing really F*#$in hurts!
Edward: Oh, Bella, I am so glad I could save you. My life revolves around you.
Bella: Where is my baby.
Edward: I think you should eat something first so you don’t eat our spawn.
Bella: Good call. Wow, I am awesome. All the vampire laws do not apply to me, but you don’t really need an explanation why this is the case. Newborn, shmooborn. I am the vamp-diggety.
Edward: Yeah, so about that little prick, Jacob….
Bella: Jacob, you total perv! She is an infant. You ARE a stinky dog. I can’t believe I thought you were a friend.
Jacob: But, I love Nessie. It’s instinct, not pedophilia.
Bella: WHAT? You are going to call my child something less stupid than what I named her??? I will rip your head off!
Edward: No, Bella, you will regret it and it will make you sad. I could not handle you sad. My life revolves around you.
Bella: Fine. You you are a jerk, Jacob, and I now hate you. I don’t want you anywhere near my freaky, little spawn. Not that any of that is going to stop me from allowing you to hang around the house and baby all you want.

**And Then….

Alice: Something wicked this way comes. I’m out of here.
Bella: Let’s get ready to rumble. Somebody gonna teach me some moves or what?
Cullens: Let’s go get some allies to witness that this baby is legal.
Allies: Of course we’ll stand by you, that is a pretty cool little spawn.
Bella: Crap, Alice. Thanks for the heads up that we are all going to die. Maybe I can save my stupidly named baby by giving her to Jacob. I think he is a total perv, but he loves her and will keep her safe.

**The Volturi arrive . . .

(everyone is poised for battle)
Volturi: We came to accuse you of a false crime so we cand kill your powerful family and take those of you whose power we crave.
Cullens: But, wait, we can prove this is not an illegal spawn.
Alice: And here is more proof that there is no danger. See, I only wanted you to believe I left you. I’m tricky like that. Shouldn’t I be planning a party?
Volturi: Hmm, you are right, it is not an illegal baby. We want to kill you anyway. What other trumped up pretext can we find to legitimize your murder anyway?

***tension, tension****

Bella: Yeah, I’m pretty bad-ass bitches. I can thwart those attacks.
Volturi: Crap, she is bad ass. I don’t think we can win, & we really are just big pussies. We give up. We will leave in peace. The reader has no need for a really cool and satisfying bloody battle in this book.
Cullens & friends: Yay!
Bella: I love you Edward.
Edward: My life revolves around you.
Jacob: Only 8 more years until she’s legal!

***Sigh. They live. Bleh.***

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